PotCLotR Big Brother
by Elpheen
Summary: [DISCONTINUED]The hit show Big Brother is back with a twist. How will Jack cope with the alcohol prohibition? And how will the Hobbits cope with only three meals a day? Read on to find out...
1. Episode 1

A/N: Hope you all find this amusing, I certainly did! Don't expect amazing descriptive talent here, I'm kind of doing this as some light relief from my other fic and from my schoolwork. Words in italics are a voiceover/Big Brother. This is my first comedy, feedback and suggestions are much appreciated!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the characters from either movie, nor do I own Big Brother. I am however responsible for their actions in this fic, and any situations that may arise therein. Wow, didn't that sound posh? Ok, I just totally ruined the poshness with that comment...let Big Brother commence!

_Voiceover_

'Today, ladies and gentleman, marks the start of an entirely new take on the hit show Big Brother. In the Big Brother House we have ten of your favourite characters from Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean. How will they fare being left alone with each other? Each episode one character will be voted off by Big Brother's Little Brother. Now, for the first episode…'

_In the house_

Arwen was wandering around aimlessly, trying to avoid an argument with one of the other housemates. Turning a corner, she bumped into Aragorn.

'Good morning, nin meleth. How are you today? You look less than happy, did you have an argument?'

'No, I was trying to avoid one.'

'Good thinking.' He smiled at her, and she returned it, gazing into his eyes. She moved closer to him and tilted her face towards his…

'Please, you two, get a room!'

They broke apart as Elizabeth Swann rounded the corner. Arwen turned, 'Oh, Elizabeth, it was nothing; we were just...talking…'

Elizabeth smiled, 'Please, call me Lizzie. And it's fine, Will and I were the same when we got married. I'd better go; Jack's all upset because there's an alcohol prohibition in the house and he's convinced it's my fault after that incident on the island I mentioned.'

The three smiled, knowing how Jack loved his rum and God forbid anyone should take it away from him.

'Elizabeth? I know you've got my rum, now give it to me! I'm sure Will wouldn't want to hear of how selfish you're being.'

'Oh, crap, I'd better go and hide; they haven't banned weapons yet, and I don't trust a sober Jack with a sword.'

Laughing, Arwen waved her goodbye, just as Jack rounded the corner.

'You, Aragorn, is it?'

'Yes, Jack.'

'Captain, Captain Jack Sparrow. How many times?'

'Ok, _Captain_ Jack, how can we be of assistance?'

'Have you seen Elizabeth? She's telling me that there's an alcohol prohibition, but I know she's taken my rum. She's always had something against it…don't know why…'

'Yes, she went-' Arwen saw that her husband was going to point Jack in Elizabeth's direction and nudged him subtly.

'She went that way,' she informed Jack, pointing him in the opposite direction.

'Thank you, milady. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some rum-hunting to attend to…' he walked off down the corridor, muttering to himself about rum and headstrong women who married eunuchs.

_Could Jack Sparrow please make his way to the Diary Room?_

Jack stopped in his tracks, uttered a curse under his breath and cut his search short to go to the diary room.

'This better be quick, mate, I've got some rum to find and a woman to fight.'

_Jack, how are you getting on?_

Jack rolled his eyes at the camera, 'Captain, Captain Jack. And Elizabeth took my rum.'

_You do know that there's an alcohol prohibition in the Big Brother House this week?_

'A what?' Jack glanced around anxiously. 'You mean I'm not allowed…any…rum? For a…week?' His voice trailed off as the shock sank in.

_That's right, Jack. So how are your feelings towards the other housemates?_

'Well, I guess I can't be angry at Elizabeth now; though I bet she's hiding it anyway. The elf is annoying. It sleeps with its eyes open, fires arrows at targets and when it speaks in its language, I know it's cursing me.'

_So you and Legolas got off to a bad start then? What about the hobbits?_

'The little ones? They don't do anything except eat! What's second breakfast anyway? And luncheon, and supper, and tea, and second supper…it's enough to drive you insane!

_Do you get on with any of the housemates?_

'Ara-thingy and his wife are alright, I suppose. And that Saruman fellow. I like him, he's all about what's in it for him. Reminds me a bit of Barbossa really; though not quite as…skeleton-y.'

_Thank you, Jack, you may now leave the Diary Room._

Jack left his seat with the words, 'Captain Jack Sparrow, _Captain_ Jack Sparrow,' and went in search of his rum.

Saruman sat at the end of the garden, have set up a small pedestal with a crystal ball on it. He was muttering Black Speech over it, and didn't notice Legolas aiming an arrow at the ball. When the elf's arrow hit it, Saruman jumped in rage and pointed his staff at Legolas, while Aragorn looked on, a smirk on his face.

'Magic doesn't work here, Saruman. I suggest you do us all a favour and stop trying to curse us.'

'I wasn't trying to…curse…you,' he faltered.

'Saruman, don't deny it. We are willing to extend friendship towards you, if you will accept it.'

'Join the likes of men and elves? Not in this age, or any other.'

'Suit yourself,' shrugged Legolas.

Aragorn looked at the rapidly darkening sky, 'I suggest we move inside; rain is coming.'

Once everyone was gathered in the sitting area, Elizabeth suggested they play a game.

'How about Monopoly?'

There was a chorus of, 'Mono-what?' and Elizabeth and Arwen laughed.

'Elizabeth taught me how to play earlier; it's quite fun,' spoke Arwen from Aragorn's lap, her fingers absently playing with his hair.

There were some murmurs of assent, and Elizabeth fetched the game from a cupboard. She explained the rules, and let everyone choose a colour. As there were only six counters Aragorn and Arwen, Merry and Pippin, Jack and Saruman and Frodo and Sam doubled up in teams.

About an hour later the arguments started.

'But he's in Jail and hasn't paid bail, he can't get out!'

'They didn't pay me when they landed on Park Lane!'

'We're hungry…'

'Hey, he knocked my hotel off!'

'He's allowed to, he got a chance card!'

'But that's not fair!'

'Um…I have no money left, how can I pay them?'

Elizabeth sighed in frustration. It looked like she was going to be playing Mother for the rest of the evening, and most likely the rest of the show.

'Ok. Jack, you can't escape from Jail in this game, you have to pay up or stay there. Sam, Aragorn just said he had no money left, so that explains why he didn't pay you. Merry and Pippin you can have supper at the same time as everyone else. As I said, if the chance card says he can have that space then he can take your hotel off the board, and it is fair. And seeing as Arwen and Aragorn have no money left anyway, the game is, fortunately, over. So count up your money – no cheating Jack and Saruman – and we'll see who wins.'

As it turned out, Elizabeth had won, mostly because she actually knew what she was doing, and this did not sit well with the men, who refused to acknowledge that they'd been beaten by a woman.

After the hectic affair of dinner it was decided that they would go to bed. There was a bunk bed, three single beds and two double beds, meaning one person would have to take the sleeping bag or the couch.

Aragorn and Arwen naturally took one of the double beds, and the hobbits managed to take the single beds, with Merry in the bunk bed. Saruman declared he would refuse to share a room with the likes of men, hobbits and elves, and took the sofa with a duvet. Legolas took the top bunk, which left a rather interesting situation of Jack and Elizabeth sharing the other double bed.

'Oh, no, Jack, I'm not sharing a bed with the likes of you.'

'Well, what do you propose then, luv? Unless you desire to sleep on the floor, and it's pretty cold in here, I suggest you accept the bed, and I promise not to lay a hand on you. Wouldn't want to upset the eunuch, savvy?'

Elizabeth rolled her eyes and sighed, 'Fine. But you keep to your side, and I'll stick to mine, understood?'

'Perfectly.'

There was a round of 'Goodnight's, and before long the housemates had drifted off to sleep. All but one.

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A/N: Well? What do you think? It's my first try at a comedy and my little brother cracked up reading it...but then he's weird like that so some comments would be appreciated, especially some constructive criticism. Thank you!

xox PBS xox


	2. BBLB 1

A/N: You've 'seen' episode one, now let's head over to the BBLB studio for some psychological reports on the characters…

In the studio

_Kelly is sitting on a round red couch, wearing jeans and a pink sparkly top, with a huge fake smile on her face. Next to her is a geeky looking guy with glasses and a baggy t-shirt._

Kelly: Welcome, everyone, to the first episode of Big Brother's Little Brother. Today we will not only be analysing the housemates' behaviour, but also voting off one of the housemates. We have with us in the studio today a top psychologist, Ian Side-Yorhead. Ian, what have you got to say so far about the housemates?

Ian: Well, Kelly, it looks as though relationships between the housemates aren't off to the best start. Saruman is intent on cursing everyone, and his body language speaks volumes about his attitude. He tends to stand off to one side, angled slightly away from everyone. He needs to interact more with the other housemates if he wants to be involved in any decisions and if he wishes to form friendships, though it seems he and Jack have formed an alliance already.

Kelly: What do you think of Elizabeth and Arwen's friendship?

Ian: It's only natural that the two girls in the house would form a strong bond almost immediately, though girls can be extremely bitchy. If they have a falling out I can't imagine they would become friends again easily.

Kelly: Very true. Now, what of Jack and Legolas?

Ian: Jack has a very obvious distrust of Legolas, and Legolas hasn't exactly been friendly to Jack. I think they are both very competitive people and feel that the other is a threat to their authority – not that either have any authority. Aragorn I think will be the chief peacemaker, as he seems to be the most level-headed and calm. He is also the only man with a wife in the house, so she is likely to keep him under control, should he fly off the handle.

Kelly: And the Hobbits; we haven't seen much of them yet, have we?

Ian: No, they tend to want to stay out of trouble, I think, and they all have very strong bonds with each other. I don't think they would be the cause of any arguments in the house.

Kelly: Well thank you, Ian for your comments. Now is the moment we've been waiting for; one of the characters is about to be voted off…


End file.
